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About Happiness.

“Happiness is an imaginary condition formerly often attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and children to adults.”

 

Thomas Szasz cited by Lorie, P. and Mascetti, M.N. (1986)  The Quotable Spirit – Divine, mystical and inspirational quotations.  Macmillan Publishers Ltd.: London.  p.26.

 

 

In therapy, clients often present because, in one way or another, they consider themselves to be ‘unhappy’.  When asked what they want from therapy, they often say they want to ‘be happy’.

 

What the quote above highlights, however, is that happiness is a slippery concept.  Rarely, if ever, can we declare our current felling state as one of ‘being happy’.  Perhaps the nearest we can achieve is to look back over our lives and attribute particular periods as being ‘happy’ ones.

 

But were those times really ‘happy’?  If we were to examine our happy experiences of the past more closely, we would find those periods to include other emotions like disappointment, frustration, anger or sadness.

 

Even when looking to our past, then, our periods of happiness seem to evaporate with closer examination.

 

Why, then, is happiness so illusive?

 

One reason, I think, is we look towards happiness as a destination ... something we need to work towards, a way of being with the world that we need to achieve ... something that is marked by the absence of other, less pleasant emotions.  We want to be rid of our anxiety, depressions and disappointments, and replace them with something different.

 

Viewed in this way, however, happiness just becomes something that, like Szasz points out above, is attributed to other people, or times and places in our lives, but never now.

 

If we examine our experience closely, however, our feeling states are always mixed.  We feel fear and anger and upset and resentment etc., at all times of our lives.  There are few, if ever, truly ‘happy’ moments. 

 

What does this teach us?  My view is that happiness is way to travel, it is not a destination.  Our experience will always be filled with ‘negative’ emotions.  Simply turning away from them ... or worse, wishing them away to a future without them, is ultimately futile. 

 

It is only in accepting, feeling and experiencing our world as it is, can we come to live ‘happy’ lives.  Happiness, in other words, is not somewhere we have been, or plan to go, but it is something we do  ... furthermore, it is something we do despite our difficult circumstances.

Dr Phil Tyson is a Men's Psychotherapist based in Manchester in the UK.  He offers counselling in Manchester, psychotherapy in Manchester, cognitive behavioural therapy in Manchester and telephone counselling nationally and internationally.

Autobiography In Five Short Chapters by Portia Nelson.

Changing our behaviour is difficult.  If it were simply a matter of deciding to change, and following through on that change, there would be no need for psychotherapists.

When working with clients I am often struck that they have an unrealistic expectation of how change comes about in therapy or in life.  For some clients, they expect a linear relationship between number of sessions and incremental improvements in problem behaviour.  For other clients, they expect that insight in therapy is a necessary and sufficient condition for the change in behaviour they seek. Both are unrealistic.

In reality, change is hard won.  There is a subtle interplay between insight in therapy and making different choices in life.  Both are necessary.  Change is often slow, and comes about in apparent leaps forward, followed by apparent slips back.  The steps forward are experienced as triumphs, and the slips back are experienced as disasters. 

In reality steps forward and back are progress.  My role as a therapist is to help the client find the learning in both. 

The process of change has been wonderfully captured in a short poem by Portia Nelson.  I often offer this poem to clients to help them reflect on their “successes” and their “failures”.  I offer it to you so you may do the same.

 

Autobiography In Five Short Chapters

by Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

Dr Phil Tyson is a Men's Psychotherapist based in Manchester in the UK.  He offers counselling in Manchester, psychotherapy in Manchester, cognitive behavioural therapy in Manchester and telephone counselling nationally and internationally.

Bad Associations Spoil Useful Habits.

“Let it not be misunderstood.  Bad associations spoil useful habits.”

2 Timothy, 2, 11.  The Bible.  King James version.

Dr Phil Tyson is a Men's Psychotherapist based in Manchester in the UK.  He offers counselling in Manchester, psychotherapy in Manchester, cognitive behavioural therapy in Manchester and telephone counselling nationally and internationally.

Remaining Grounded gives you the Advantage.

“Nothing gives one person so much advantage over another as to remain always cool and unruffled under all circumstances”.

Thomas Jefferson.

Dr Phil Tyson is a Men's Psychotherapist based in Manchester in the UK.  He offers counselling in Manchester, psychotherapy in Manchester, cognitive behavioural therapy in Manchester and telephone counselling nationally and internationally.

Two Wolves Cherokee Wisdom.

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.  He said, “My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.

One is Evil.  It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good.  It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf wins?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed”.

Dr Phil Tyson is a Men's Psychotherapist based in Manchester in the UK.  He offers counselling in Manchester, psychotherapy in Manchester, cognitive behavioural therapy in Manchester and telephone counselling nationally and internationally.