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The Narcissism of the Facebook Generation.

In the Greek tragedy, Narcissus was punished by the Gods for being unkind to a woman.  As a result, when he caught sight of his own image, he fell in love with it so completely he was unable to turn from it. He died of starvation.  Like all Greek tragedies, it plays to the frailties of the human condition.  When I go to the gym and pump my body, in my head I am creating a new, more youthful me.  When I catch sight in the mirror of the slightly overweight middle aged man that is me looking back at myself, I am struck down with the tragedy of Narcissus.  To some extent I am in love with an image of myself, something I can never be or ever was.

In psychology, narcissism is a term widely used to describe those large numbers of us who have separated our image of ourselves from our emotional reality.  In extremely narcissistic individuals, they often learnt as children that to be themselves was unacceptable.  They therefore put forward an image of themselves they thought would be acceptable to their caregivers.  By operating from this image, rather than their authentic experience, they become divorced from their real selves.  Such a split creates personalities that are often obsessed with the trapping of success, but whose inner life is described as ‘empty’.  Such people rarely feel.

If this is a tragedy for them, it is also for those around them.  Narcissists can be quick to lie, cheat and steal.  Like a chameleon they shape their image to their circumstances as they see fit.  Their lack of compassion for others can make them hurtful and dangerous to know.  But how common is Narcissism?

Well narcissism, in one form or another, is so common it has led some writers to suggest we could describe our culture as narcissistic.  It’s not hard to see why.  With fame being sought as an end in itself, not as a means to an end, we know we have come a long way from authentic living.  But at the more ordinary level, we have become a society where we, as individuals, broadcast our lives on Facebook and MySpace to anyone who will listen.  We no longer live lives, but star in a life we represent through social media.  Such free disclosure of our ‘private matters’ is anathema to many older people who were brought up to value dignity above self promotion. The mask and the reality, of course, are often in painful contrast. 

The roots of narcissism lie deep in childhood.  As childhood becomes increasingly devalued by parents too busy to meet the real needs of the real child, the age of narcissism will continue for years to come.

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Dr Phil Tyson is a Men's Psychotherapist based in Manchester in the UK.  He offers:

• Counselling for men in Manchester
• Psychotherapy for men in Manchester
• Cognitive behavioural therapy (cbt) for men in Manchester
• Telephone and online counselling for men wherever you live
• Supervision and consultative support for therapists in Manchester
• Group therapy weekends for men in London and Manchester

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About This Blog

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Feel Like a Fraud? You May Have ‘The Imposter Syndrome’.

I worked hard for my degree.  Within six months of graduating I was working as a University lecturer without having the usual prerequisite of postgraduate study.  Although I got an outstanding degree and national acclaim, I couldn’t understand why I was encouraged to be a lecturer.  When my job was made full time, I put it down to being at the right place at the right time.  When my colleagues said I was doing a good job, I couldn’t help but think they didn’t have the full facts.  I felt like an imposter and I worked extremely hard to make sure I wasn’t found out.  I got promoted. 

Looking back it is easy to see I was suffering from ‘The Imposter Syndrome’, a pattern of behaviour I now see regularly in my practice with men.  But what is the imposter syndrome?

The seminal definition of the imposter syndrome was presented in 1978 by Clance and Imes.  They suggested it had three cardinal features.

1.  A feeling that other people have an exaggerated idea of your abilities.

2.  A fear that you’re ‘true abilities’ will be discovered.

3.  A style of attributing success to external factors like mistakes or good luck.

For me, the more success I attracted, the more unbearable was my sense of being an imposter.  This is quite a common cycle in people with the imposter syndrome it works like this:  First, you take on a new job.  The vulnerability we all feel in a new job is heightened because you feel like an imposter.  As a consequence you work extra hard to overcompensate for this underlying belief that he will ‘be found out’.  Natural talent and hard work leads to promotion and new roles, which again triggers another cycle of the syndrome.

I worked myself into exhaustion, which, of course, I interpreted as being ‘finally found out’.  This self sabotaged confirmed my belief in the world as I saw it:  That I was a fraud.

Although the imposter syndrome is well documented, its causes are more obscure.  Some people suggest if the parents of a child value some aspects of the child but not others, than this can create a vulnerability to the imposter syndrome in later life.  For others, they argue that a controlling or overprotective parenting style can be a vulnerability factor.

If you feel you may recognise the imposter syndrome in yourself, what can you do about it?

Well according to Dr Valarie Young, who runs workshops on the topic, it’s important to do three things.

First, is to normalise the feelings.  We all feel like an imposter some times, especially after a promotion or at the start of a new job.  The second is to understand your attitudes to competence and failure.  Often people with the imposter syndrome have unrealistic expectations of what it means to do a good enough job, and these need to be challenge to make them more realistic.  Finally, she suggests you explore the ambivalence you might feel about success.  Often people with the imposter syndrome are scared of success.  This is unsurprising when success brings such painful feelings and self doubt.

I still get the imposter feelings sometimes.  But I’m now better able to recognise and challenge it when I see it.  I know that ‘good enough’ is a great place to aim for.  I know that I can sometimes self sabotage by overcompensating with hard work.  I also know that other people’s expectations are never as high as my expectations sometimes are on myself.

If you want to know more about the imposter syndrome, read Dr Valarie Young’s blog, or take her imposter syndrome quiz.

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Dr Phil Tyson is a Men's Psychotherapist based in Manchester in the UK.  He offers:

• Group therapy weekends for men in London and Manchester
• Beginners meditation weekend retreats for men in London and Manchester
• Counselling for men in Manchester
• Psychotherapy for men in Manchester
• Cognitive behavioural therapy for men in Manchester
• Telephone and online counselling for men wherever you live
• Mediation for conflict resolution at work in London
• Mediation for conflict resolution at work in Manchester and the North West
• Supervision and consultative support for therapists in Manchester

Dr Tyson is also regularly quoted in the printed media and as a guest on local and national broadcast media.

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Abusive Women ... What You Need to Know.

This is the first of two posts looking at the dark side of women.  Here I address abusive women.  In the next post I’ll look at the dark underbelly of female sexuality and ask ‘can women become sexual predators?’.

Presented with a baby crying, if told the baby is male, people are more likely to assume ‘he’ is angry, if told the same baby is female, people are more likely to assume ‘she’ is frightened.  ‘Angry’ and ‘frightened’ carry different moral consequences.  If we can interpret a morally neutral event, like a baby crying, with moral significance, where does this leave the complexities of adult behaviour?

Morality is a gender layered concept.  Girls are ‘good’ and boys are ‘bad’.  We see this all the time in the cultural messages delivered by women. Men ‘make excuses’, women ‘have reasons’, men ‘are useless’, women ‘are competent’, men are ‘scapegoats’, women are ‘victims’, etc.

We especially see this in the criminal justice system.  Men are always morally culpable.  Women, on the other hand, must have a controlling / scheming / abusive man behind them in order to make them behave badly. 

But surely men have all the power in relationships, and it is not possible for a woman to systematically abuse here fella, right?  Wrong.  In the USA last year 1 million cases of domestic violence were reported … by women against men. 

Women are not only capable of physically abusing their man, they can also become socially and emotionally abusive.  I see physically and emotionally abused men all the time.

In fact because of the gender stereotypes, it can be extremely difficult for men to label her behaviour as abusive, and find the resources he needs to get out of the relationship. Men don’t like to be seen as a ‘victim’, it makes them feel weak, so they rationalise the abuse away.

In understanding why some women are abusive, it is useful to understand how mental pathology is defined.  There are two Axis.

Axis I represents what we generally understand as mental health problems: depression, anxiety, and disorders that result in the individual being unhappy.

Axis II represents the personality disorders.  We are all familiar with the idea of a ‘psychopath’, someone who is indifferent to the needs of others and their pain.  This is an example of a personality disorder (now known as sociopathic personality disorder to be precise).  To these can be added narcissistic, histrionic , borderline and other personality disorders. 

What all personality disorders have in common, is that the person who has them make other peoples life a misery, not just their own.  In their different ways, women who have them can be abusive to those around them, especially the ones they ‘love’.

As many as 1 in 10 women suffer from a diagnosable personality disorder, which means it’s sensible to be aware of them, and the impact they could have on your life.  You can get more information from the mental health charity MIND, or more detailed information from the website Personality Disorder.

So what is a ‘personality disorder’?  Well we all have a personality which consists of our usual patterned ways of responding to the world and the people in it.  In general, our personalities are fairly stable, and form as children from an interaction between our biology and environment. 

For some people, they develop a stable pattern of maladaptive responses to other people.  These patterns can be very difficult to change later in life.  If you date someone who has this, you will feel controlled, manipulated and undermined.

What does this mean for you?  Well it means that if you get into a relationship with someone with a personality disorder, you might not be able to help the person you love get better.  In fact there is every possibility that you will become drawn into her maladaptive view of the world, and bullied, isolated, abused and victimised if you don’t.

The psychologist Dr Tara Palmatier, who specialises in helping men with abusive women, recently blogged about the impact dating someone with a personality disorder might have on you.  She suggests the tactics used by abusive women with personality disorders are similar to the tactics used by cults in recruiting their victims.  If you feel you are dating or living with an abusive woman, it’s well worth a read.

How can therapy help?  This is a controversial subject.  For many years it was held that personality disorders were essentially untreatable.  There have been some treatment breakthroughs with personality disorders, but therapy is often long and time consuming, with no guarantee of success?

What about relationship counselling?  Well relationship counselling will not help to change the personality disorder itself.  If you are unlucky, the therapist might also be drawn into your partner’s pathology.

Where relationship counselling can help, is to help point out the patterns of her abusive behaviour.  This should make her abusive behaviour clearer, and give you a better sense of the choice you have to make.  The trouble is, if she feels that the therapist is ‘on to her’, she might start trashing the therapist, or even pull out of therapy altogether.

Personality disorders, like all mental health issues, can be mild or severe.  If her abusive personality is mild, you both might be able to work within her limitations.  If it is severe, my advice is getting out. 

If you feel that the abuse in your life is no longer tolerable, you will probably also have had your capacity to think for yourself seriously eroded by her.  You will believe her when she says ‘you’re useless’.  In other words, she might have eroded your self esteem.  As a consequence you might even believe you deserve to be abused. 

If you can’t get out, you might need to talk through with a therapist what you stand to gain from being with an abusive partner.

Start doing something about it today.  Realise you need out, and start looking for the support you need to help you get out.

Try the charity ManKind.  Their website is full of resources for men who are victims of domestic violence and abuse.  The also have a helpline, so there is always someone to turn to.

If you have been in an emotionally abusive relationship, or you are at the moment, feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below.  You can do so anonymously, and I'll be happy to respond.

Next time I will be looking at the dark side of female sexuality, and ask 'can women become sexual predators?'

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Dr Phil Tyson is a Men's Psychotherapist based in Manchester in the UK.  He offers:

• Group therapy weekends for men in London and Manchester
• Beginners meditation weekend retreats for men in London and Manchester
• Counselling for men in Manchester
• Psychotherapy for men in Manchester
• Cognitive behavioural therapy for men in Manchester
• Telephone and online counselling for men wherever you live
• Mediation for conflict resolution at work in London
• Mediation for conflict resolution at work in Manchester and the North West
• Supervision and consulative support for therapists in Manchester

Dr Tyson is also regularly quoted in the printed media and as a guest on local and national broadcast media.

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