This is the first of two posts looking at the dark side of women.
Here I address abusive women.
In the next post I’ll look at the dark
underbelly of female sexuality and ask ‘can women become sexual predators?’.
Presented with a baby crying, if told the baby is male,
people are more likely to assume ‘he’ is angry, if told the same baby is
female, people are more likely to assume ‘she’ is frightened. ‘Angry’ and ‘frightened’ carry different
moral consequences. If we can interpret
a morally neutral event, like a baby crying, with moral significance, where
does this leave the complexities of adult behaviour?
Morality is a gender layered concept. Girls are ‘good’ and boys are ‘bad’. We see this all the time in the cultural
messages delivered by women. Men ‘make excuses’, women ‘have reasons’, men ‘are
useless’, women ‘are competent’, men are ‘scapegoats’, women are ‘victims’,
etc.
We especially see this in the criminal justice system. Men are always morally culpable. Women, on the other hand, must have a
controlling / scheming / abusive man behind them in order to make them behave
badly.
But surely men have all the power in relationships, and it
is not possible for a woman to systematically abuse here fella, right? Wrong.
In the USA last year 1 million cases of domestic violence were reported
… by women against men.
Women are not only capable of physically abusing their man,
they can also become socially and emotionally abusive. I see physically and emotionally abused men
all the time.
In fact because of the gender stereotypes, it can be
extremely difficult for men to label her behaviour as abusive, and find the
resources he needs to get out of the relationship. Men don’t like to be seen as
a ‘victim’, it makes them feel weak, so they rationalise the abuse away.
In understanding why some women are abusive, it is useful to
understand how mental pathology is defined.
There are two Axis.
Axis I represents what we generally understand as mental
health problems: depression, anxiety, and disorders that result in the
individual being unhappy.
Axis II represents the personality disorders. We are all familiar with the idea of a
‘psychopath’, someone who is indifferent to the needs of others and their
pain. This is an example of a
personality disorder (now known as sociopathic personality disorder to be
precise). To these can be added
narcissistic, histrionic , borderline and other personality disorders.
What all personality disorders have in common, is that the
person who has them make other peoples life a misery, not just their own. In their different ways, women who have them can
be abusive to those around them, especially the ones they ‘love’.
As many as 1 in 10 women suffer from a diagnosable
personality disorder, which means it’s sensible to be aware of them, and the
impact they could have on your life. You
can get more information from the mental health charity MIND, or more detailed
information from the website Personality Disorder.
So what is a ‘personality disorder’? Well we all have a personality which consists
of our usual patterned ways of responding to the world and the people in it. In general, our personalities are fairly
stable, and form as children from an interaction between our biology and environment.
For some people, they develop a stable pattern of
maladaptive responses to other people.
These patterns can be very difficult to change later in life. If you date someone who has this, you will
feel controlled, manipulated and undermined.
What does this mean for you?
Well it means that if you get into a relationship with someone with a
personality disorder, you might not be able to help the person you love get
better. In fact there is every
possibility that you will become drawn into her maladaptive view of the world,
and bullied, isolated, abused and victimised if you don’t.
The psychologist Dr Tara Palmatier, who specialises in
helping men with abusive women, recently blogged about the impact dating
someone with a personality disorder might have on you. She suggests the tactics used by abusive
women with personality disorders are similar to the tactics used by cults in
recruiting their victims. If you feel
you are dating or living with an abusive woman, it’s well worth a read.
How can therapy help?
This is a controversial subject.
For many years it was held that personality disorders were essentially
untreatable. There have been some
treatment breakthroughs with personality disorders, but therapy is often long and
time consuming, with no guarantee of success?
What about relationship counselling? Well relationship counselling will not help
to change the personality disorder itself.
If you are unlucky, the therapist might also be drawn into your
partner’s pathology.
Where relationship counselling can help, is to help point
out the patterns of her abusive behaviour.
This should make her abusive behaviour clearer, and give you a better
sense of the choice you have to make.
The trouble is, if she feels that the therapist is ‘on to her’, she
might start trashing the therapist, or even pull out of therapy altogether.
Personality disorders, like all mental health issues, can be
mild or severe. If her abusive
personality is mild, you both might be able to work within her
limitations. If it is severe, my advice
is getting out.
If you feel that the abuse in your life is no longer
tolerable, you will probably also have had your capacity to think for yourself
seriously eroded by her. You will
believe her when she says ‘you’re useless’.
In other words, she might have eroded your self esteem. As a consequence you might even believe you
deserve to be abused.
If you can’t get out, you might need to talk through with a
therapist what you stand to gain from being with an abusive partner.
Start doing something about it today. Realise you need out, and start looking for
the support you need to help you get out.
Try the charity ManKind.
Their website is full of resources for men who are victims of domestic
violence and abuse. The also have a
helpline, so there is always someone to turn to.
If you have been in an emotionally abusive relationship, or you are at
the moment, feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below. You
can do so anonymously, and I'll be happy to respond.
Next time I will be looking at the dark side of female
sexuality, and ask 'can women become sexual predators?'
Dr Phil Tyson is a Men's Psychotherapist based in Manchester in the
UK. He offers:
Dr Tyson is also regularly quoted in the printed media and as a guest on local and national broadcast media.