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Why Building Muscle Attracts Men and Women Only 4% of the Time

Evolutionary psychology is an interesting but controversial area of science.  It offers bold and general theories about human sexuality, and as such, leaves itself open to the charge of essentialism and sexism. What it has to say about what men and women find attractive about each other, however, makes for intriguing reading.

Men, apparently, go for women that ‘display’ sexual fertility.  This tends to be younger women with a good hip to waist ratio, larger breasts, full lips, etc.  In other words, ‘fit’ women.

Women, on the other hand, tend to go for men who are reliable and can financially support her family.  These men tend to be slightly effeminate, of high status and a good earner.  That is to say, for most of the time.  Experiments reveal, however, that at the time of ovulation (about 1 day a month), women tend to go for men based more on looks.  At ovulation women fancy men who are more muscular, aggressive with more masculine features. 

In other words when women are most fertile and likely to conceive, they tend adopt a sexual strategy similar to men.  This can help to account for why 10% of men unwittingly bring up other men’s children, a phenomenon known as ‘cuckolding’.

This information leads to some interesting conclusions for men who build muscle in order to attract women.

The first thing is, by making themselves look fitter and more masculine, they will be more attractive to gay men as gay men, being men, select their mates on the basis of physical fitness.

The second thing is, by making themselves look fitter and more masculine, they are moving themselves from the ‘reliable and dependable’ camp, to the ‘fit and masculine’ camp.  This means, paradoxically, that they may get more one night stands, but are reducing their ability to get a long term mate.

So what should we make of this information?  Well there are lots of reasons to keep yourself fit and healthy.  But if you are one of those guys who build huge muscles to attract women, well you might want to rethink how effective this strategy really is.

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Dr Phil Tyson is a Men's Psychotherapist based in Manchester in the UK.  He offers:

• Cognitive behavioural therapy (cbt) for men in Manchester
• Counselling for men in Manchester
• Psychotherapy for men in Manchester
• Telephone and Skype counselling for men wherever you live
• Supervision and consultative support for therapists in Manchester
• Mediation for employment disputes in Manchester and the UK

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Sex Addiction and Extreme Internet Porn.

Internet porn has been described as the "crack cocaine" of sex addiction. In my experience I can corroborate this observation. What is disturbing about Internet porn addiction is that men become increasingly enticed into increasingly extreme sexual images including rape, heavy sadism, and even animal porn.

What I am most struck about these men is they have no intention of acting out this kind of behaviour in real life. It's almost there is something in the nature of the internet porn addiction that draws men to increasingly antisocial images. Why is this?

Well one reason is that some men who use Internet porn do so as a way of controlling their mood. If they are stressed, anxious, depressed, or just bored, they can recruit their interest in sex to shift how they are feeling. The problem with this is that masturbating when you're not naturally feeling horny can be difficult. The tendency is to go for increasingly new and novel images to get sufficiently aroused in order to cum.

The second reason is the vast array of sexual images that can be viewed in a very short period of time. In the days where the average man would hold a small number of mags this was unlikely to happen. You made do with the images that you had available.

The trouble with having access to so many images so quickly is that the mind is subject to the psychological process of "habituation". For each additional image you see, the "turn on" value attracts a diminishing return. The only way to keep the pressure on sexual arousal is to find increasingly extreme images. Images that are taboo also recruit the additional excitement of risk that enhances orgasm in some men.

My view on porn is generally fairly relaxed. What concerns me is that Internet porn plays to men's weakness to search out novel sexual images. As a result some men spend their lives hooked into a cycle of unfulfilling and empty sexual expression which steals their time and their money and puts them at risk of arrest.

If you feel Internet porn is becoming a problem to you, my advice is get a few good mags and sticks to them. This way you can wean yourself off the Internet, and still have an outlet for visual stimulation. Better still, find a partner who turns you on, and focus all your attention on them. If you still have difficulty, however embarrassing it might be, turn to a professional for advice.

 

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Dr Phil Tyson is a Men's Psychotherapist based in Manchester in the UK.  He offers:

• Cognitive behavioural therapy (cbt) for men in Manchester
• Counselling for men in Manchester
• Psychotherapy for men in Manchester
• Telephone and online counselling for men wherever you live
• Supervision and consultative support for therapists in Manchester
• Mediation for employment disputes in Manchester and the UK
• Group therapy weekends for men

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About This Blog

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What is the Appeal of Kinky Sex?

The British have a morbid fascination with other people’s sex lives.  Our tabloid newspapers relish in revealing the ‘sordid sexual details’ of politician and celebrity transgressions.  I can understand why.  Sex is something we do in private, with a limited number of partners, and there is always a curiosity about what other people get up to.  It answers the question ‘am I normal’?

For perhaps 10% of us, we throw away the caution of conventional sexual activity and take a detour into the world of bondage, domination, sadism and masochism (BDSM) and other elaborate and kinky sexual practices.

If you enjoy this kind of sex, you might be suspicious of engaging with a mental health professional.  Your fears may be that your ‘kink’ will be judged or misunderstood.  There is perhaps good reason for thinking like this.  From Freud onwards anything other than the tamest heterosexual sex has been labeled a perversion and in need of ‘treatment’.  Watch out for the latest manual for psychiatric disorders in the USA (DSM-V) which contains new ways to pathologise our sex lives. 

At a more humble level, many therapists are simply unaware of BDSM activities, assume that they cannot involve consent, and assume that presenting BDSM behaviour is there to be fixed.  For this reason I was pleased to see a recent article from Su Connman in Therapy Today (July 2010) specifically addressing this issue.

But what is the appeal of kinky sex?  Unfortunately there is very little by way of academic research in this area which is value neutral.  I do, however, have a theory which might help to explain the appeal, and it draws on an understanding of the physiology of orgasm.  Let me explain.

In order for both men and women to achieve an orgasm, two centres of the brain must be switched off.  The first is the amygdala, which is the danger and alert centre of the brain.  The second is the anterior cigulate cortex, which is the self-consciousness and worry centre of the brain.  Its easy to see why, if we feel danger, are self-conscious or are worried, we are likely to perform badly in bed.  In fact much of the treatment in many common sexual performance problems, like premature ejaculation or retarded ejaculation, involve training the client to switch off these centre’s of the brain.  That is to say, worry less, feel less fear, and be less self conscious.

With BDSM and other sexual practices that involve risk, like cruising for sex in public, the person is artificially creating situations that invoke these areas of the brain.  In learning to master and control these areas and switching them off, my hunch is that it is this that creates the turn on.  For example, pain is likely to set the amygdala off as a cue for danger.  If one can endure pain and still reach orgasm despite it, then this might also enhance orgasm. 

I do understand that not all BDSM practices end in orgasm, it’s just a hunch, but it may help to explain the BDSM preoccupation with finding ‘boundaries’, and learning to exceed them safely.  It may also explain why, once the brain has rewired to manage high levels of ‘risk’, conventional sex loses its appeal.

Whatever the brain basis of kink, you have the right to expect that your sexual preferences should not be judged by your therapist.  This is an issue best addressed when making an initial enquiry.  Ask if the therapist is ‘kink aware’.  If they have never heard the expression, you can probably guess they’re not!

 

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Dr Phil Tyson is a Men's Psychotherapist based in Manchester in the UK.  He offers:

• Counselling for men in Manchester
• Psychotherapy for men in Manchester
• Cognitive behavioural therapy (cbt) for men in Manchester
• Telephone and online counselling for men wherever you live
• Supervision and consultative support for therapists in Manchester
• Mediation for employment disputes in Manchester and the UK
• Group therapy weekends for men

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About This Blog

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Want to Keep a Seven-Day Sex Diary for a New Unique Study?

Forget the glossy happy endings of big screen romances and the histrionics in our soaps – what’s really going on in our love lives?  How do we really feel about sex, relationships and intimacy? How often are we having sex? How does our current romantic status make us feel?

Welcome to The Sex Diaries Project, a unique collection of anonymous seven-day diaries kept by real British men of every age, background and situation, all writing openly and honestly about their lives behind closed doors - and between the sheets.

Through the experiences of everyday UK citizens, the book — which is published by Random House next year — aims to capture a snapshot of the nation’s sex and love lives. Whether it is the teenager in the throes of first love, the twenty something newlywed, the ex-pat in an open marriage or the retired consultant with a younger girlfriend, the book tells our stories, not an airbrushed Hollywood version.

Now The Sex Diaries Project wants you! If you’re a man over 40, this is a chance to share your point of view about relationships, in your own words and with utter anonymity.

All diarists have to do is write multiple short entries a day about anything involving sex, relationships, love or romance including  thoughts, conversations, text/email exchanges and events.

The team behind the book assures potential diarists that no-one is too boring/busy/celibate/anything to take part in this project. The whole process is totally confidential.  Check out www.thediaryproject.net to learn more.

If you’d like to get involved, or you know any other men who might benefit from the experience, get in touch with the editor luisametcalfe@gmail.com.

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Dr Phil Tyson is a Men's Psychotherapist based in Manchester in the UK.  He offers:

• Group therapy weekends for men in London and Manchester
• Beginners meditation weekend retreats for men in London and Manchester
• Counselling for men in Manchester
• Psychotherapy for men in Manchester
• Cognitive behavioural therapy (cbt) for men in Manchester
• Telephone and online counselling for men wherever you live
• Mediation for conflict resolution at work in London
• Mediation for conflict resolution at work in Manchester and the North West
• Supervision and consultative support for therapists in Manchester

Dr Tyson is also regularly quoted in the printed media and as a guest on local and national broadcast media.

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