MENS-WELLBEING.COM

Wear Red Pants For Success at Interview!

Many years ago I watched a TV documentary about how a legal team in the USA defended a man accused of murder.  As part of his preparations a witness coach was employed to give advice about presenting himself in court.  To my surprise, she advocated wearing red underwear to embolden him, and give him confidence.

Not long after this, my brother asked me for advice about interview technique.  His career had gone down a cul-de-sac for several years, and he had developed a demoralising string of rejections at job interview.  I thought I would suggest the red underwear.  To both our surprise, at his next interview, he got the job!

Ever since then I have always advocated wearing red underwear for men attending interviews, and the feedback has always been encouraging.  One person said he felt more confident, and he felt that whatever question he was asked, he knew he was wearing red underwear, which put a smile on his face and, presumably, gave him the edge in his answers.

Recently a mate has been applying for new jobs.  He had been successful at getting to interview, but was unable the clinch the deal.  I had suggested the red underwear technique, but he was sceptical, and didn’t bother.  Knowing that he had another interview today, when we met for lunch on Saturday, I took him to a department store and made him buy the most vibrant energetic red pants we could find.  Still sceptical, he did seem pleased with his Calvin’s, and I thought nothing more of it.

Since adopting this technique many years ago, research has began to catch up with the intuitive advice given by the witness coach I had watched on TV.  For example, recent research on teams in the English football league found that teams that have red in their kit tend to score more goals, and win more games, than teams that don’t have red in their kit.

Why does wearing red make a difference to men?  I think there is an evolutionary explanation to this.  Red is both the colour of blood, and therefore of danger, and also the colour, in many primates at least, of sexual arousal (the female genitals of many primate species turn red when in season ... a reason why spanking a women may also turn some men on ... but that’s an aside).

Wearing red, I therefore believe, serves to activate the arousal of both aggression and sexual potency in men.  With these two systems on your side, you become unstoppable at interview!  Don’t overdo it though.  Wearing red on your visible clothing could be seen as intimidating for the same reasons i.e. indicating aggression and/or flirtation.

I suspect wearing red might also help ‘on the pull’.  Wearing a flash of red somewhere on your clothing or underwear, might be just enough to give you the advantage over the other men in the bar or club.  There is a study in there somewhere, and I’d love to see the results.

As for my mate, he said he wasn’t sure if he consciously thought about the red Calvin’s during the interview, but he did feel extremely confident.  I’m pleased to say he also got the job!

Dr Phil Tyson is a Men's Psychotherapist based in Manchester in the UK.  He offers counselling in Manchester, psychotherapy in Manchester, cognitive behavioural therapy in Manchester and telephone counselling nationally and internationally.

Do You Masturbate Too Much?

In the olden days, or so I am led to believe, it was considered wrong for boys and men to masturbate.  No doubt heavily influenced by Roman Catholicism, this view seemed to be received wisdom throughout much of the 19^th and 20^th Century’s.  Then came the 60’s.  With the sexual revolution, masturbation became good, almost compulsory.  Received scientific thinking, led by the great sexologist Kinsey, ‘normalised’ masturbation, so that it became, if not immoral, then at least acceptable.

Of course boys and most men masturbate, but is there any reason to think you could be masturbating too much?  I think there is.

First, masturbation results in the emission of semen from the body.  In order to achieve this, the body’s nervous and endocrine system is activated which stimulates the acetylcholine/parasympathetic nervous system.  This, in turn, creates an excess of sex hormones and neurotransmitters which alters the body’s biochemistry and nerve function.  The emission of semen itself results in many vital nutrients being released from the body.

Research is beginning to suggest that this combination of endocrine/nervous system overstimulation, and emission of semen, can have negative impact on a man’s health.  The researchers found that the more men masturbate, the more they are likely to suffer from memory and concentration problems, fatigue, back pain, hair loss, a poor erection and even premature ejaculation.

Second, men who masturbate can begin to suffer from psychological problems.  In my experience of working with men, I have seen that excessive masturbation can reduce the ability to orgasm with a partner, encourage more elaborate and sometimes unhelpful sexual fantasy, and can lead to unrealistic expectations on sexual partners.  Sometimes this can even prevent men from finding and maintaining a sexual partner.  Furthermore, masturbation, especially over internet porn, is often a participatory factor in sexual addiction.

It seems, then, that excessive masturbation is not the neutral blank cheque that some people led us to believe. But what constitutes ‘excessive’.  Depending on your habits, you might be relieved or disappointed to learn that masturbation to completion more than three times a week is the threshold at which these negative side effects start to take hold.  This is a ball park figure, as every man is different, but it is a sobering statistic ... at least for me!

Dr Phil Tyson is a Men's Psychotherapist based in Manchester in the UK.  He offers counselling in Manchester, psychotherapy in Manchester, cognitive behavioural therapy in Manchester and telephone counselling nationally and internationally.

Absent Fathers and their Children’s Sexual Behaviour.

Conventional opinion has held that children of absent fathers are more likely to sexually mature earlier, and have their first sexual experience earlier, than children of fathers who remain in the family.  The conclusion has always been that it is the absence of the fathers that cause the early sexual maturation and activity.  New research is suggesting that this might not be the case.

 

Jane Mendle examined data from the US National Longitudinal Survey of Youth and compared the age of first intercourse with genetically related individuals such as twins, sisters and cousins.  What the researcher found was that the more closely related the children were, the more likely they were to be close in terms of first intercourse, and this was the most important factor regardless of absent fathers.

 

What this research demonstrates is that correlation (fathers presence/absence with age of sexual maturity/first intercourse) does not necessarily imply causation.  It also shows that researchers in the past have been too quick to ‘blame’ absent fathers for their children’s sexual behaviour.

Dr Phil Tyson is a Men's Psychotherapist based in Manchester in the UK.  He offers counselling in Manchester, psychotherapy in Manchester, cognitive behavioural therapy in Manchester and telephone counselling nationally and internationally.

Sex Addiction.

As a men’s psychotherapist, I have talked more often to the media about sexual addiction than any other topic.  This is strange really because the assumption is that it is only men who become hooked on inappropriate sexual activity.  In fact 40% of sexual addicts are women. Women’s patterns of sexual addiction might be different to men’s, but they suffer in almost equal measure.  Having said that, this article is about sexual addiction in men, and if you are a man who thinks you have a problem with sex, you have come to the right place. 

 

So what kind of sexual activity can men get hooked on?  Well the main ones are ‘dogging’ areas, where straight men and couples cruise car parks for sex, public toilets and other gay cruising areas, prostitution (both selling and buying), masturbation and internet porn.  In fact internet porn is so easy to get hooked on that it has been dubbed the ‘crack cocaine’ of sexual addiction.  As a sexual addicts pathology develops, of course, he can often find himself moving into areas of sexual interest that are even more antisocial and/or illegal.

 

Sexual addiction first started to come to the attention of professionals who were involved in the treatment of other addictions, such as alcohol.  It was found that if a person has an addiction to a substance, there is a high likelihood that they will also be addicted to sex.  As many as 42% of people addicted to cocaine also have a co morbid sexual addiction.  Some theorists have argued that the neural pathways associated with sexual addiction are the basis for all addictions.  Whether this can be bourn out by the facts I don’t know, but what is clear is that sexual addiction is closely linked to other forms of addiction.

 

The natural history of the sex addict can often be quite tragic. The man starts to chase sexual ‘highs’ often involving situations of risk.  Risky sex enhances orgasm and sets the man in a trail of activity of escalating risk.  Eventually, it’s the chase of sexual activity that starts to take up more and more of the guys time.  In turn, sexual highs become harder and harder to achieve, a situation which, paradoxically, makes the ‘hit’ of a ‘good’ orgasm all the more addictive.  As the guy spends more and more time searching for sex and sexual activity, he spends less and less time with his friends and family. Social relationships are put at risk, and the man can become socially isolated.  Like other addictions, sex addicts can lose everything, partners, children, jobs, even liberty. 

 

So what can be done to help the sex addict?  One really good intervention is sex addicts anonymous.  This format is similar to narcotics anonymous and alcoholics anonymous based on regular self help group meetings.  Group meetings are a format that does not suit everybody.  I have had good results with clients using various cognitive behavioural techniques such as active monitoring of sexual behaviour and understanding thought processes. 

 

One theory of sexual addiction is that ‘sexual maps’ are laid down in childhood about age 7, and it is these sexual maps that guys continue to ‘act out’ as adults.  It seems appropriate that there is some therapeutic work undertaken aimed at understanding the origin of the sexual behaviour before cbt work is started.

 

Like all addictions, the hardest thing for me to work with is clients ambivalence about changing their behaviour.  Men often come to me in the ‘pre-contemplation’ phase of trying to decide whether to stop or not.  The good news is that if a man really wants to change, then the approach I use is really effective.  I can’t, however, make a man want to stop.  Unfortunately, for some men, they really do need to loose everything before change seems the best option.

 

One final word on the matter of shame.  Many men feel ashamed of their sexual behaviour and this inhibits them from coming forward for treatment.  I really understand and respect this.  My suggestion is that men choose a therapist who is experienced at working with sexual addiction, because such a therapist will be best able to help you explore your behaviour comfortably.  If seeing someone face-to-face is too intimidating at first, consider telephone counselling as many men find this safer.

 

If you want to find out more about sexual addiction, either for yourself or someone else, I can really recommend Patrick Carnes book on the subject, Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction which is now in its third edition and published by Hazelden.

Dr Phil Tyson is a Men's Psychotherapist based in Manchester in the UK.  He offers counselling in Manchester, psychotherapy in Manchester, cognitive behavioural therapy in Manchester and telephone counselling nationally and internationally.

Heterosexual Men Often Test Too Late for HIV.

Today is International AIDS day, but if you’re straight, this concerns you, so don’t turn away!

 

When I was a young man, I was heavily involved in the service provision of men with HIV.  At that time there were no treatments, and men died tragically young.  Things are different know.  The treatments for HIV are becoming so effective that, if caught early, HIV can be seen as a chronic manageable condition, and the person can expect a normal lifespan.

 

The qualifier in the above statement, ‘if caught early’, is the crucial thing here.  The British HIV Association estimate that a quarter of HIV deaths were a direct result of patients being diagnosed too late. 

 

One benchmark test in measuring the health of people with HIV is known as the CD4 test.  This is a measure of the overall level of immune system ‘CD4’ cells in the body.  The more of these cells the better.  If the measure of these cells drops below 200 then the patient is at risk of developing opportunistic infections that are AIDS defining and life threatening.  Starting treatment with CD4 counts below 200 is also a predictor of poorer response to anti retrovirals.

 

Nearly half of heterosexual men diagnosed with HIV are diagnosed with their CD4 counts below 200.  This is concerning.

 

The popular perception has always been that HIV is a problem in the gay community.  This is indeed true.  HIV, however, does not respect sexuality, and the numbers of heterosexual men with HIV are increasing.

 

What can you do about it?  Well if you are heterosexual and have had sex without a condom, I suggest testing annually.  You are putting yourself, and your future partners, at risk if you don’t.  HIV tests are free and can be obtained from your local sexual health clinic.  Many clinics offer same day testing services. The service is confidential and they will be in the best position to offer you follow up care and support should you receive a positive result.

 

Remember, to benefit from treatment you need to start early, that means testing regularly.

Dr Phil Tyson is a Men's Psychotherapist based in Manchester in the UK.  He offers counselling in Manchester, psychotherapy in Manchester, cognitive behavioural therapy in Manchester and telephone counselling nationally and internationally.