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Why Do Couples Argue About Stupid Things?

Most couples argue.  In fact couples that say “we never argue” worry me more than couples that say they do (but that’s for another post).  What most couples say, however, is that they find themselves arguing about silly things.  Why do couples argue about putting the milk bottles out, or who is going to drop the kids off at school, rather than the big things?

One way of understanding this is to look at how resentments build up in a relationship.

The metaphor I often use for this is hopelessly out of date … but I can’t think of a better one, so for anybody under 40 please bear with me!  It used to be the case that petrol companies used to issue stamps every time you bought petrol.  These ‘Green Shield Stamps’ had to be collected and stuck in a book.  When the book was full, you could cash the book in for a reward.  If you collected several books you could claim an even bigger reward.

What I want to suggest is that in relationships little resentments get collected in a similar way to Green Shield Stamps.  Every time your partner annoys you, you simply swallow it and get on with life.  Unfortunately that’s not the end of it.  Most of us make a mental note and put a ‘stamp in the book’.  Eventually these little resentment build up, and when our ‘book is full’; we cash all the little resentments in for one big argument.  The trigger, in itself, might be quite small, but its significance is that your partner cops for all the resentment you have built up.  The result:  you have a big row over something rather small!

So what can be done about it?  Well first it’s helpful to become more aware of all the little resentments building up.  You might write them down in a book, or note them on your smart phone.  You can then observe the pattern and intervene more strategically.  For example, if the same theme keeps cropping up, you might choose a calm moment to discuss it rather than wait until your book is full.  If both of you observe the little resentments build up, you could set aside an hour a week to go over each other’s themes.

An alternative thing you could do is cash in your book of resentments early!  If you find that you cash in your resentments after, say, 5 or 7, have been collected, you might strategically cash in earlier, say after 3 or 4 resentments.  The reason for this is because your book isn’t full; the chances are you will be able to talk about them with more head and less emotion.

Of course there may be other ways of intervening to stop these kinds of arguments.  If you have any good suggestions, let me know by leaving a comment.

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Dr Phil Tyson is a Men's Psychotherapist based in Manchester in the UK.  He offers:

• Cognitive behavioural therapy (cbt) for men in Manchester
• Counselling for men in Manchester
• Psychotherapy for men in Manchester
• Telephone and Skype counselling for men wherever you live
• Supervision and consultative support for therapists in Manchester
• Mediation for employment disputes in Manchester and the UK

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Mothers Who Punish Fathers.

Fiona Donnison was jailed for 32 years earlier this month for the murder of her two children. Harry, aged three, and Elise, aged two, were smothered in bedding and their bodies were found in holdalls in the boot of Donnison’s car.

Why would a mother kill her own children? From Court it appears that it was a brutal act of revenge by Donnison against the children's father, Paul Donnison her ex-partner. Murder, of course, is a cruel and heartless act. But there are many women who punished the father of their children with lesser acts of cruelty, such as needless Court action, inflating maintenance awards, and, of course, trying to deny the father access to his children.

A relationship breakdown is a very painful time of life and emotions often run high. When a woman uses the children as a way to punish the father, men can often feel powerless. The courts can be of no help to men in these circumstances, as the presumption is that the best thing for the children is doing what the mother wants. Men can feel desperate about their plight, even suicidal.

Even if custody is arranged, some women try to punish the father by "poisoning" the children's minds against him. This can be extremely difficult for young minds to understand. The child loves both mommy and daddy, and to hear such character assassinations can be deeply unsettling for them.

I have heard many men talk about the pain of separation from their children, and helped them to make sense of the character assassinations they have had to endure. There is no easy way to resolve this situation. For the sake of the children though, it is important not to retaliate, however much you are provoked. The children need at least one of their parents to remain steady. Simply acknowledge and reframe her behaviour as "mommy still being angry". Let the children know how much you still love them, and that you always want to be there for them. In this way you will become a rock of stability in their chaotic world.

 

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Dr Phil Tyson is a Men's Psychotherapist based in Manchester in the UK.  He offers:

• Cognitive behavioural therapy (cbt) for men in Manchester
• Counselling for men in Manchester
• Psychotherapy for men in Manchester
• Telephone and online counselling for men wherever you live
• Supervision and consultative support for therapists in Manchester
• Mediation for employment disputes in Manchester and the UK

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Masculinity in Crises? What Crises?

There is a growing body of opinion that masculinity is in crisis.  On this view, women have made many social advances and this has left men out manoeuvred and demoralised.  Men are turning in on themselves and asking themselves, what is the point of being a man anymore?  Frankly I don’t see it, and in order to understand why, we need to look at the big picture.

Since the Second World War there have been seismic social changes.  First, effective contraception has meant that women, and to a lesser extent, men, have been, more or less, completely in control of their fertility.  As a species, we are no longer at the mercy of nature in the timing of starting a family.  This has allowed women, and to a great extent, men, plan their family in line with their career plans.  Many opt for delaying starting a family until they have become financially secure. 

Second, as a world economy we have seen more or less constant economic growth for decades.  We may be in a down turn now, but as a western country we generally have an abundance of jobs.  So many jobs in fact, we continually import labour to do the work for us.

Seen in this big picture, yes women have made huge advances in their quality of life, but so have men.  In fact men have never had it so good!

1.  Compared to some tribal societies a man’s chance of being killed in war or competition with another man is miniscule.  Far from the romantic image of a ‘noble savage’ that was peace loving, the truth is very different.  In some tribal societies up to 50% of men could expect to be killed in warfare or in competition with another man.  This compares to western men where the figure is less than 1% … and this includes the war dead of the 20^th Century!  In fact despite the moral panic, modern society is remarkably peaceful due, no doubt, to the abundance of resources available to us.  What a great time to be a man!

2. Men are working with more women.  Why is this significant?  Well men are tuned to be competitive with other men but not with women.  Far from women being seen as a threat in workplaces, men actually enjoy working with women.  Strangely this is not quite the same for women.  In one study 95% of women said they would prefer a man to be their boss because they perceived, rightly or wrongly, that a man would be fairer.  Rather than men having a problem with women at work, it is in fact the other way round!  Mixing with so many women means traditional male dominance hierarchies at work are becoming more relaxed, meaning men don’t have to engage their testosterone at work as much as they did.  What a great time to be a man!

3.  Men have the opportunity to plan their family more and are less dependent on work to bring in a living wage.  What this means is that men have more time to devote to being a great boyfriend or husband and dad.  Never before have men had such economic freedom to engage meaningfully with their family.  In one recent study of men, work came a mere third in importance after wife and kids.  Many men relish the opportunity to become stay at home dads so they can build their relationship with their kids.  Paternity leave means every new dad that chooses gets time to bond with a new born.  What a great time to be a man!

I guess I could go on, but given that it is a great time in human history to be a man, why is it that some people conceive masculinity as being in crises at all?  Well my take on this is that the crisis theorist is locked into a win-lose gender politics.  They see women making; quite rightly, important social advances, and they assume that men must somehow feel cheated by this.  For ideological reasons the crises theorists then search for evidence to support their theory and find that some boys aren’t doing well at school and some men are feckless, etc.  The truth about being male, however’, is found in the ‘dodgy’ Y chromosome.  For good evolutionary reasons, there is greater variability in men which means that today, as always, there are a larger proportion of men who struggle in society than women.  This is not a crisis of masculinity, but the trick nature plays on males of all species to generate biological diversity and therefore maximise the overall genetic fitness of the species.

So it’s never been a better time to be a man.  Men, just as women are doing, are relishing the opportunities that come with greater financial affluence and choices around fertility.  It’s not just a great time to be a man, but it’s a great time to be human!

 

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Dr Phil Tyson is a Men's Psychotherapist based in Manchester in the UK.  He offers:

• Counselling for men in Manchester
• Psychotherapy for men in Manchester
• Cognitive behavioural therapy (cbt) for men in Manchester
• Telephone and online counselling for men wherever you live
• Supervision and consultative support for therapists in Manchester
• Mediation for employment disputes in Manchester and the UK
• Group therapy weekends for men

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Is My Girlfriend Too Fit For Me?

Men can sometimes feel insecure if they are going out with a good-looking woman. Every man can seem like a potential threat. Some guys even judge their own attractiveness harshly, undermining their self-esteem and, ultimately, the relationship itself.

So do you need to worry if you are going out with a looker? Well in order to answer this it is important to understand what men and women find attractive about each other.

Academic research shows men tend to go for younger women, with a flat stomach, a good hip to waist ratio and show evidence of oestrogen in their features, including smooth skin, big eyes, full lips, smaller nose and larger breasts. Interestingly women, when they apply make-up, can be shown to be mimicking these effects.

Why should men find these features attractive? Well, from an evolutionary perspective, they demonstrate that the woman is likely to be fertile, not pregnant by another man, and therefore more likely to bear his children.

Academic research also shows that women, on the other hand, tend to go for slightly feminine guys, who are high on the male dominance hierarchy, and who are reliable. In our culture you can read annual income, home, and cars all as proxies for status. Women are also really impressed by guys who share their wealth.

From an evolutionary point of view this can be seen to make good sense. It is important for a woman to get good genes from a guy high in the dominance hierarchy, and if he's reliable, he will invest in her family, and stick around to bring up the kids. As a relationship counsellor I hear women complain all the time about men's unreliability, and it's not surprising, their sensitivity is hardwired.

So what gets a woman going is not the same as what gets a man going. The mistake of men who worry about their sexual attractiveness compared to their girlfriend is they assume their girlfriend is looking out for the same indicators as they are, i.e. younger with a good body. Yes that counts, but not as much as status and reliability. If you are successful and dependable, that's probably all she needs from you.  She may not ‘fancy’ you in the same way you ‘fancy’ her, but you shouldn’t expect her to either.

 

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Dr Phil Tyson is a Men's Psychotherapist based in Manchester in the UK.  He offers:

• Counselling for men in Manchester
• Psychotherapy for men in Manchester
• Cognitive behavioural therapy (cbt) for men in Manchester
• Telephone and online counselling for men wherever you live
• Supervision and consultative support for therapists in Manchester
• Mediation for employment disputes in Manchester and the UK
• Group therapy weekends for men

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About This Blog

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