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If the Gay Scene is the Answer, What is the Question?

This weekend hundreds of thousands of gay men from around the country and abroad are descending on Manchester to celebrate gay Pride.  These showcase events celebrate the diversity of gay culture, and offer an opportunity for men of all ages to stand together - out and proud.  But such festivals of gay culture hide some very disturbing truths.

First, for many gay men, there is only one thing worse than coming out as gay ... and that is finding out what the gay scene is like.  In my experience, young gay men’s expectations of the gay scene is of a community of like minded men through which they can find love and fulfilment.  The reality is often lots of shagging but very little by way of community, and even less of fulfilment.  Indeed for many gay men, they find the gay scene predatory, sleazy and demeaning.  What’s going on?

I guess the first thing to clear away is the psychological baggage some gay men bring to the gay scene.  Let’s face it; accepting that you are gay is tough.  Ever since you were a kid you picked up social messages that being gay was wrong or weird or antisocial.  Sometimes those messages were literally hammered home in the form of physical attack.  Sometimes in the street, and sadly, sometimes from brothers and fathers too.

So gay men bring a stock of self hatred to the gay scene.  Of course we see what we expect to find.  Our eyes seek out the stereotypes we were led to believe existed and our mind gravitates on them, often with aversion.  This is a process psychologist’s call projective identification.  We see those aspects we dislike in ourselves in other people, and then hate them for it.  Another name for it is internalised homophobia.

Many of my gay clients struggle with this internalised homophobia.  They go onto the gay scene, unaware and unprepared for what it has to offer, then recoil in dismay at what they find.  If we can clear our minds of such notions, what is really there in the gay scene?

Well I think a lot of what happens on the gay scene reflects not on gay men, but on the fact gay men are men. 

Let me explain.  In girls, they develop into social creatures interested in faces and emotions from the day they are born.  Girls brains are not marinaded in testosterone.  Boys’ brains are, and this king of the male hormones kills off much of the social brain in boys.  Baby boys are less interested in faces and connecting and more interested in action and adventure. 

As boys develop into young men testosterone again begins to shape their brains and they start to become interested not only in sex, but pecking order.  It’s just as important to boys and young men to know where they stand in the pecking order of life as it is for girls to connect and make friends.

Inhibited by a brain not wired for ‘community’, and testosterone fuelling the brain with action and sex, young gay men are thrust into a testosterone rich environment which prises, above all else, sexual beauty and the pecking order it creates.  As men’s brains are also driven by the automatic need to seek out beauty, the young and the gorgeous rise to the top, and everybody else falls in behind – which of course, is virtually everybody.

It wasn’t always like this.  In the 80’s and 90’s gay men had a cause to fight.  With regressive laws like the infamous Section 28, which banned the ‘promotion’ of homosexuality, and the AIDS pandemic killing young gay men by the thousand, there was much to get angry about.  Gay men petitioned, protested and confronted the establishment to end their oppressive law making and provide the services to help gay men die with dignity.

Things are different now.  With antidiscrimination legislation protecting gay men’s working, and let’s face it, shopping rights, we now live in a different era.  With civil partnerships, gay men can now pay taxes on an equal footing with their straight counterparts.  The pressure now is to normalise and assimilate gay men to a straight moral order. 

So this leads me to ask a different question.  If the gay scene is to be more than simply establishing a pecking order based on youth and beauty, and the opportunity for young men to feed their testosterone driven sexual appetites, what does it need to be?

Well in my work with gay men, I see the social isolation, alienation, and drink and alcohol problems fueled by the commercial gay scene.  The gay scene might be in full on party mode, but the male brain isn’t making the connections it needs to sustain and nurture lives, old and young.  Gay men need community, not more drinking opportunities, and I see very little by way of community action bringing it about.

The commercial gay scene may be an answer to one question ... but perhaps it’s not the right question to be asking.

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Dr Phil Tyson is a Men's Psychotherapist based in Manchester in the UK.  He offers:

• Group therapy weekends for men in London and Manchester
• Beginners meditation weekend retreats for men in London and Manchester
• Counselling for men in Manchester
• Psychotherapy for men in Manchester
• Cognitive behavioural therapy (cbt) for men in Manchester
• Telephone and online counselling for men wherever you live
• Mediation for conflict resolution at work in London
• Mediation for conflict resolution at work in Manchester and the North West
• Supervision and consultative support for therapists in Manchester

Dr Tyson is also regularly quoted in the printed media and as a guest on local and national broadcast media.

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The Search for a Life-Style.

“The search for a life-style involves a journey to the interior.  This is not altogether a pleasant  experience, because you not only have to take stock of what you consider your assets but also have to take a long look at what your friends call “the trouble with you”.  Nevertheless, the journey is worth making.  Indeed, we might say the whole purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we have of ourselves with the terrible things others say about us.”

 

Quentin Crisp in Kettelhack, G. (1987) (Ed.) The Wit and Wisdom of Quentin Crisp.  Alyson: N.Y./N.J.

 

This book is unfortunately out of print but still available from Amazon resellers.

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Dr Phil Tyson is a Men's Psychotherapist based in Manchester in the UK.  He offers:

• Group therapy weekends for men in London and Manchester
• Beginners meditation weekend retreats for men in London and Manchester
• Counselling for men in Manchester
• Psychotherapy for men in Manchester
• Cognitive behavioural therapy for men in Manchester
• Telephone and online counselling for men wherever you live
• Mediation for conflict resolution at work in London
• Mediation for conflict resolution at work in Manchester and the North West
• Supervision and consulative support for therapists in Manchester

Dr Tyson is also regularly quoted in the printed media and as a guest on local and national broadcast media.

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Heroes of the Blue Sky Rebellion by Jack Kammer : A Review.

As men we are not particularly good at political activism for our own wellbeing.  Too many of us have grown up believing the ‘feminist fallacy’ ... that it is men that have all the power, and that we need to give it back.  As a consequence, it is women who now have the emotional, social, legal and cultural freedom to wander into traditional male domains, whereas men do not have the same freedom to wander so freely in women’s domains. 

 

What this book attempts is nothing short of revolutionary.  Starting from the above premise, Kammer addresses the next generation directly: boys and young men between the ages of 13 to 23.  His message is one of hope and political engagement.

 

This book isn’t about turning the clock back.  That girls and young women have more choice then ever is a good thing.  What Kammer advocates is extending that choice and freedom to boys and young men.

 

In presenting his case, this is a refreshingly brief and easy to read book.  Yet its roots are deep.  Drawing on an understanding of all human rights campaigns, and a sensible critique of the way power is distributed in society, Kammer invites boys and young men to join “The Blue Sky Rebellion” … his term for the political reconnection of boys and young men.  In so doing he empowers boys and young men to address their very real alienation.

 

Kammers message is a tough one though.  In order to generate and embody choice for ourselves, we must feel empowered to go into traditional ‘female’ emotional, social, legal and cultural domains, and feel comfortable there.

 

I have long held the belief that women benefit politically from homophobia.  By setting men upon each other, they serve to ‘divide and conquer’.  Kammer suggests that this political ruse is finally transparent. 

 

If boys and young men want to free of the hypocrisy of contemporary gender politics, then all boys and young men need to be free.  In this way ‘you’re gay’ and ‘you faggot’ should no longer serve both as terms of abuse for gay boys and young men, and as a way of controlling straight boys and young men.

 

Having laid out his store, Kammer then equips boys and young men with some of the tools they will need in their new political struggle.  He offers skills for addressing the main ‘feminist’ arguments against male freedom.  He shows how boys and young men need allies not enemies, and explains how to make friends with the world.  Finally, he emphases the need for political engagement and networking between like minded boys and young men.

 

In short Kammer not only defines his own take on win-win gender politics – ‘the Blue Sky Rebellion’, but shows boys and young men how to be truly heroic in their challenge of creating it.

 

This book deserves the widest possible audience.  Every boy or young man should have the opportunity to read it. 

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Dr Phil Tyson is a Men's Psychotherapist based in Manchester in the UK.  He offers:

• Group therapy weekends for men in London and Manchester
• Beginners meditation weekend retreats for men in London and Manchester
• Counselling for men in Manchester
• Psychotherapy for men in Manchester
• Cognitive behavioural therapy for men in Manchester
• Telephone and online counselling for men wherever you live
• Mediation for conflict resolution at work in London
• Mediation for conflict resolution at work in Manchester and the North West
• Supervision and consulative support for therapists in Manchester

Dr Tyson is also regularly quoted in the printed media and as a guest on local and national broadcast media.

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Is it OK to Fancy Other Women?

We all like a little bit of eye candy, but is it OK if you’re in a loving relationship to still fancy other women?

When reflecting on this remember that both Hollywood and the advertising industry spend millions of dollars on attractive men and women to entice us to buy their products.  They know that men (and women too) can’t resist looking at beautiful people.  The truth here is that it is simply not possible to stop noticing and fancying other people.  The problems start with the significance people attach to such casual glances.  Let me explain why.

I have worked with countless men who have been told by their girlfriends that they are ‘not allowed’ to fancy other women.  This is like asking a man to stop growing a beard because it irritates her skin ... it’s not going to happen.  The important point is the significance the woman attaches to the glance.  Some women are extremely insecure about their partners, and often for good reason.  If a girl’s family split as a child due to one parent’s infidelity, she has witnessed the pain of relationship and family breakdown at first hand, and often vows never to let that happen to her.  Alternatively, she may have been cheated on in the past, and is hyper sensitive to any flirtatious glance from her fella aimed at other women.

Of course we need to be sensitive to our partner’s feelings; after all you wouldn’t want to hurt her.  Neither should you feel that you are doing something despicable either.  Continually monitoring your reactions to other women lest you inadvertently slip is no way to conduct your life.  The best thing to do is pick a moment to quietly talk about your behaviour and its impact on her.  Make the point that a quick glance is normal and natural, and it would be wrong of her to expect you to suppress it all the time.  But above all, address her underlying insecurity about you and the relationship.  With trust and open communication, in time, you will become more accepting of each other.

Some men, however, have unrealistic expectations of themselves.  I’ve worked with a number of men, usually in their 30’s, who present with ‘relationship problems’.  When we explore the relationships they have had we discover a string of healthy loving relationships.  Each of which the man has terminated because ‘he still fancies other women’.

What is going on here is the man has formed a core belief in childhood that if he is with the right women, he will stop fancying other women.  Of course this is completely unrealistic.  He needs to change the core belief to something more realistic, like ‘I will continue to fancy other women, but this doesn’t pose a threat to my loving relationship because I will not act on it’.

At the other end of the spectrum are men with slightly obsessive natures.  These men tend to think things like ‘having a bad thought makes me a bad person’, or that ‘if I have a thought I’m likely to act on it’.  For these men, fancying other women is a source of great threat.  Because their thinking is characterised by what therapists call ‘thought-action fusion’, they think ‘I fancy this women, therefore I want to have sex with her, and if I don’t control my thoughts, I will be helpless to stop it from happening’.

This is a more serious problem in that the underlying obsessive assumptions about thought and its relationship to behaviour need talking through in general.  These men don’t usually only get upset by thoughts of fancying other women, but is part of a pattern of getting caught up in a whole range of ‘distressing’ thoughts.

Men, of course, don’t just notice attractive women, but notice attractive men too.  For these men, for similar reasons to thought-action fusion described above, they become obsessed with the idea that they might be gay.  Let me reassure these man, being able to spot an attractive man does not make you gay, anymore than spotting a good looking dog makes you into bestiality.  Our brains seek out symmetrical healthy looking features in both men and women.  The more ‘attractive’ a man or women is, the more likely we are to be positively disposed to them, and think positive things about them.  This should not be confused with being gay.  If you know this but are still concerned, you might need to talk your obsessive thoughts through with a therapist to give you peace of mind.

Finally, just because it’s normal and natural for the eye to notice attractive women, this doesn’t give you carte blanche to do as you see fit.  Ogling other women is both intimidating to the woman, and potentially upsetting to your partner.  You still need to be sensitive to other people’s feelings, take responsibility for your behaviour, and act in a socially responsible manner.  If you can’t restrain yourself, you are well on the way to becoming a ‘dirty old man’, and you wouldn’t want anybody to think that of you either!

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Dr Phil Tyson is a Men's Psychotherapist based in Manchester in the UK.  He offers:

• Group therapy weekends for men in London and Manchester
• Beginners meditation weekend retreats for men in London and Manchester
• Counselling for men in Manchester
• Psychotherapy for men in Manchester
• Cognitive behavioural therapy for men in Manchester
• Telephone and online counselling for men wherever you live
• Mediation for conflict resolution at work in London
• Mediation for conflict resolution at work in Manchester and the North West
• Supervision and consulative support for therapists in Manchester

Dr Tyson is also regularly quoted in the printed media and as a guest on local and national broadcast media.

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