The British have a morbid fascination with other people’s sex lives. Our tabloid newspapers relish in revealing the ‘sordid sexual details’ of politician and celebrity transgressions. I can understand why. Sex is something we do in private, with a limited number of partners, and there is always a curiosity about what other people get up to. It answers the question ‘am I normal’?
For perhaps 10% of us, we throw away the caution of conventional sexual activity and take a detour into the world of bondage, domination, sadism and masochism (BDSM) and other elaborate and kinky sexual practices.
If you enjoy this kind of sex, you might be suspicious of engaging with a mental health professional. Your fears may be that your ‘kink’ will be judged or misunderstood. There is perhaps good reason for thinking like this. From Freud onwards anything other than the tamest heterosexual sex has been labeled a perversion and in need of ‘treatment’. Watch out for the latest manual for psychiatric disorders in the USA (DSM-V) which contains new ways to pathologise our sex lives.
At a more humble level, many therapists are simply unaware of BDSM activities, assume that they cannot involve consent, and assume that presenting BDSM behaviour is there to be fixed. For this reason I was pleased to see a recent article from Su Connman in Therapy Today (July 2010) specifically addressing this issue.
But what is the appeal of kinky sex? Unfortunately there is very little by way of academic research in this area which is value neutral. I do, however, have a theory which might help to explain the appeal, and it draws on an understanding of the physiology of orgasm. Let me explain.
In order for both men and women to achieve an orgasm, two centres of the brain must be switched off. The first is the amygdala, which is the danger and alert centre of the brain. The second is the anterior cigulate cortex, which is the self-consciousness and worry centre of the brain. Its easy to see why, if we feel danger, are self-conscious or are worried, we are likely to perform badly in bed. In fact much of the treatment in many common sexual performance problems, like premature ejaculation or retarded ejaculation, involve training the client to switch off these centre’s of the brain. That is to say, worry less, feel less fear, and be less self conscious.
With BDSM and other sexual practices that involve risk, like cruising for sex in public, the person is artificially creating situations that invoke these areas of the brain. In learning to master and control these areas and switching them off, my hunch is that it is this that creates the turn on. For example, pain is likely to set the amygdala off as a cue for danger. If one can endure pain and still reach orgasm despite it, then this might also enhance orgasm.
I do understand that not all BDSM practices end in orgasm, it’s just a hunch, but it may help to explain the BDSM preoccupation with finding ‘boundaries’, and learning to exceed them safely. It may also explain why, once the brain has rewired to manage high levels of ‘risk’, conventional sex loses its appeal.
Whatever the brain basis of kink, you have the right to expect that your sexual preferences should not be judged by your therapist. This is an issue best addressed when making an initial enquiry. Ask if the therapist is ‘kink aware’. If they have never heard the expression, you can probably guess they’re not!
Dr Phil Tyson is a Men's Psychotherapist based in Manchester in the UK. He offers:
- Counselling for men in Manchester
- Psychotherapy for men in Manchester
- Cognitive behavioural therapy (cbt) for men in Manchester
- Telephone and online counselling for men wherever you live
- Supervision and consultative support for therapists in Manchester
- Mediation for employment disputes in Manchester and the UK
- Group therapy weekends for men
