Do you put other people first for fear of being selfish? If so you could have an early maladaptive schema. Let me explain.
When we were children, we learnt various truths about the
world. They become our guiding light
through which we continue to make sense of the world. Psychologists call these early truths
‘schemas’. It’s the way we structure and
make sense of what we see (and don’t see) around us. All our knowledge of the world is organised
into these cognitive structures and they are adaptive in the sense of making
the world appear ordered and predictable.
Because they function subconsciously, however, we are not necessarily
aware of them.
For example we all have schematic knowledge of things that are alive, and they are usually organised into things like insects, mammals, fish etc. We then interpret the world on the basis of the categories we expect to see.
We have similar schematic knowledge for the social world. For example we may have had a chaotic childhood with unreliable parents. As a consequence we view the social world as being inherently chaotic, and expect to continue to see a world full of chaotic and unreliable people. As a result we gravitate to unreliable and chaotic people, and in so doing, reproduce the schema that the social world is unreliable and chaotic.
For some men, they concluded as children that other people’s needs are more important than their own. For example one or both parents may have emphasised the need to look after other people (often the parent!), and punished the child for looking after their own needs. Such children turn into adults who are extremely skilled at spotting and meeting the needs of other people, and not at all skilled at spotting and meeting their own needs.
Psychologists have identified two schemas which involve putting other people’s needs first. It is possible to have just one, but it is also possible to have both.
1. The Self Sacrifice Schema – In this schema other people’s needs are spotted and met, because the man wants to. If he doesn’t meet other people’s needs, he often feels guilty or ashamed.
2. The Subjugation Schema – In this schema other people’s needs are spotted and met, but the man feels that they have to meet other people’s needs out of a sense of coercion. Men with this schema often feel resentful that they ‘have’ to do so much for other people.
In both schemas though, the man has a very poor ability to spot and meet his own needs.
Interestingly there is often a degree of schema driven erotic tension in the partners we choose. Often men with a self-sacrifice or subjugation schema will choose a partner who has a heightened sense of entitlement, someone who believes they should get everything they ask for. By being turned on by such partners, the man is unwittingly reproducing his early maladaptive schema, and making it impossible to ever escape from it.
So what can you do if you always put other people’s need first? Well the first thing to realise is that you can’t genuinely help anybody else unless you are first happy and content yourself. Men with self-sacrifice and subjugation schemas are often emotionally stretched and unable to meet the high standard they expect of themselves. You really need to start paying attention to your own needs. This can be extremely difficult at first because such men often say things like ‘I don’t really have any needs’.
One way of starting to become aware of the schemas in operation, is to keep a ‘give – get’ diary. Divide a sheet of paper in two and on one side make a list of all the things you ‘give’ to other people. Include everything from making the tea, to offering emotional support. On the other side, make a list of all the things you ‘get’, again everything other people do for you, big and small. If you keep a diary like this for a couple of weeks you might be surprised to learn what you do for others, and what you’re missing out on yourself.
Armed with this knowledge, you should be in a better position to know what you need from the people in your life, and feel more emboldened to ask for it to be met. Just remember, looking after yourself is not selfish unless you do so to the harm of those around you. Furthermore, meeting other people’s needs is only appropriate if the traffic is genuinely two ways.
Dr Phil Tyson is a Men's Psychotherapist based in Manchester in the UK. He offers:
- Group therapy weekends for men in London and Manchester
- Beginners meditation weekend retreats for men in London and Manchester
- Counselling for men in Manchester
- Psychotherapy for men in Manchester
- Cognitive behavioural therapy for men in Manchester
- Telephone and online counselling for men wherever you live
- Mediation for conflict resolution at work in London
- Mediation for conflict resolution at work in Manchester and the North West
- Supervision and consulative support for therapists in Manchester
