A question often asked is whether we are meant to be
monogamous as a species? Perhaps this is
a red herring. The statistics show we
are not very good at it. It is estimated
that 60% of men have been
unfaithful and 40% of women. This means that infidelity has occurred in as
many as 80% of all relationships. It’s
almost as certain as death. No one is
immune.
From a man’s perspective, it has sometimes been argued that there are two types of guy. One is the monogamous type that sticks with one partner. The other is the ‘the player’, someone who couldn’t remain faithful even if he wanted to. There is some evidence that these different sexual strategies are hard wired into our DNA. On one particular gene, the ‘short’ variety, men are more prone to play the field. On the other, the ‘long’ variety, men are more likely to remain faithful. Being honest about what your preferences are, of course, is the simplest option. Being honest from the start though, and finding a partner who can turn a blind eye, might be easier to say than actually achieve.
There is a sexual asymmetry in the significance men and women attach to infidelity. For men, we get more upset by the idea of a women having passionate sex with another man. For a woman, she is more concerned by the idea you are forming a deep emotional bond with another woman. The biological reason for this is that men and women have different sexual selection pressures at work. Men are more attuned to a woman bearing a child with another man. For a woman, they are more concerned with anything that can undermine the security of the family unit. If you’re a player rather than a monogamous type, my advice is don’t sleep with the same women twice.
But how is it best to avoid an affair in the first place? Well the simple answer to this is communication. Despite sexual images and talk becoming increasingly pervasive in popular culture, we are still not very good at expressing our needs around sex with the person we love. Women, in particular, continually underestimate men’s sexual needs, including frequency and adventure. Women are very interested in sex in the first six months ‘nesting’ part of the relationship, and then their interest tends to drop off significantly leaving the man wondering what on earth he has done wrong. There is also some evidence that different people have different needs for sex, and stable relationships are formed with partners who are within 10% of each other. You might be wise, therefore, to have a frank conversation about her long term sexual needs before you get too involved, otherwise you may learn the hard way that you’re not compatible.
Communication has another advantage. The less your sexual needs are kept secret, and the more you talk about your fantasies and temptations with your partner, the less likely you are to act on them. This requires a woman who is sympathetic to you as a man, and is genuinely interested in what it’s like to be you.
In my next post I’ll address what to do if you have had an affair.
Dr Phil Tyson is a Men's Psychotherapist based in Manchester in the UK. He offers:
- Group therapy weekends for men in London and Manchester
- Beginners meditation weekend retreats for men in London and Manchester
- Counselling for men in Manchester
- Psychotherapy for men in Manchester
- Cognitive behavioural therapy for men in Manchester
- Telephone and online counselling for men wherever you live
- Mediation for conflict resolution at work in London
- Mediation for conflict resolution at work in Manchester and the North West
- Supervision and consulative support for therapists in Manchester
