In my previous post I highlighted that women are more
concerned about the significance an affair has for the stability of the family,
whereas the man is more concerned about the sexual act itself, and
whether this
threatens the paternity of any children she may bear. I think for this reason alone women often
expect their fellas to go to relationship counselling so they can unpick the
significance of the affair and rebuild the relationship. In fact whether she asks you to go to a
counsellor or not, rebuilding trust is the most important thing you need to
do. So here are some tips.
1. Be honest about why you slept with the other person. A women’s finely tuned emotional brain will detect any untruths you tell here. Men and women hold different significance to sex. It’s OK to be a man and have different needs to your women. A real woman should be able to take on board what you have to say.
2. It’s only by being honest about what led you astray that you can together put in strategy’s to stop it happening again. The important word here is together. You’re in a partnership and your partner should be concerned and interested to meet your sexual needs.
3. With a strategy in place to manage your feelings should they occur again, it’s time to rebuild trust. As I mentioned before, women feel threatened by the emotional transgressions implied by sex outside the relationship. She will want to spend a lot of time working through the implications the affair has on the relationship and the family. You need to give her the space ad time to do this. For her this isn’t about problem solving, it’s about reconnecting. And she will want to do it by talking a lot.
4. Trust is like a commodity, we build it up slowly through experience. Once you’ve had an affair, the slate is wiped clean again. As a couple it will take a long time to rebuild trust. This can’t be rushed. She will be constantly looking for evidence that you have transgressed again. This is normal. Try not to resent her for this. She is just protecting herself and her children if she has them. With time, as your stock of trust is rebuilt, her inquisitiveness will fade.
5. The hurt caused by an affair is often incalculable. You will have caused the person you love a lot of pain. Try to be kind on yourself though. There is no point in beating yourself up endlessly; no doubt she will do that for you anyway. Just try and learn from what happened, and put in place strategies to make sure it never happens again ... even if this means making sure you don’t get caught!
One final word though, the adrenalin and testosterone rush of ‘illicit’ sex can be as euphoric as a line of cocaine ... and just as addictive. Many men get hooked on sexual activity, even if it’s just internet porn. If you think your sexual transgressions represent a deeper underlying problem, you may be becoming a sex addict. Try reading this post about sex addiction. If you feel you are or are in danger of becoming a sex addict, it’s worth remembering it could ruin your life. Try talking to your partner about this, and if you feel together you can’t work it through, try talking it through with your GP, Sexaholics Anonymous or another experienced professional.
Dr Phil Tyson is a Men's Psychotherapist based in Manchester in the UK. He offers:
- Group therapy weekends for men in London and Manchester
- Beginners meditation weekend retreats for men in London and Manchester
- Counselling for men in Manchester
- Psychotherapy for men in Manchester
- Cognitive behavioural therapy for men in Manchester
- Telephone and online counselling for men wherever you live
- Mediation for conflict resolution at work in London
- Mediation for conflict resolution at work in Manchester and the North West
- Supervision and consulative support for therapists in Manchester
