MENS-WELLBEING.COM

Men and Menstruation.

Menstruation is a difficult topic for blokes.  I remember travelling in India and meeting a young couple on a gap year after ‘A’ levels.  They had been travelling through some of the more isolated and impoverished parts of the sub continent.  Both were traumatised by the experience and took several days to settle down and start talking to people.  When I chatted to the bloke on his own, it was clear that he was not just traumatised by the poverty, but travelling in intimate proximity with a women menstruating in hot insanitary conditions.  It wasn’t just the hygiene he found difficult, but the pain she went through, and the emotional vulnerability she felt, which was exacerbated by being in an alien and unforgiving environment. 

Like most blokes, this guy had been spared the harsh realities of menstruation until he was an adult.  Women, of course, don’t have this luxury.  They are catapulted into the reality of menstruation in their early teens, and for many, find it deeply traumatic.  The founder of The Samaritans, Chad Varah, had the idea for the telephone helpline because, as a priest, he had to conduct a funeral service of a young girl who had committed suicide at the onset of her first period. 

The 28 day cycle, and women’s emotional reactions to it, then informs their psychology for the rest of their lives.  To truly know and connect with the women in our lives we need to make their menstrual cycle our business.

Given the ‘trauma’ of menstruation, it is little surprise that cultural and religious taboos have emerged to ‘manage’ the trauma, and shield it from public gaze.  It’s a little like ‘war trauma’ for men, something that is ‘managed’ and ‘contained’ ... but not expressed. 

Just because menstruation is a difficult topic for men, doesn’t mean to say it’s OK to ignore it.  The women in our lives need our understanding and compassion so they feel supported, validated and accepted.  Here are a few tips.

First, make it your business to get informed.  There are plenty of great web sites offering advice about menstruation and the problems women experience during their cycle.  Try NHS Direct or netdoctor.co.uk.  Possibly as many as a third of women could relieve some of their menstrual distress and pain with appropriate treatment.  You will only know if your loved one is suffering unnecessarily if you take the trouble to show an interest and offer her support.

If you want to understand, from a man’s perspective, what menstruation might feel like, try this great post.  It just might make you think twice about dismissing her moods and her cramps next time!

Second, get engaged.  Starting the conversation about her period is a difficult one for many guys.  A great way to start is to show an interest in the brand of tampons she uses.  Why does she use that brand? Why does she find it the most comfortable?  If you don’t live together, why not try buying her some, and just having them in the bathroom cabinet ‘just in case’.  It will show you care and are thinking about her.

Women, of course, are intimately connected to their monthly cycles.  It’s easy for men to forget this.  There is a great resource aimed at both men and women at PMSbuddy.com.  Here you can enter details of your partners, daughter or mother cycles, and it automatically sends you emails reminding you of when she is due, and offers tips about how to cope as well.  If you’re a women reading this and can’t wait for your fella to take the initiative, you can register too, and send the emails to up to five guys in your life.

Third, know what she needs.  Every woman is different and menstrual problems change throughout the life span.  Take time to know what she needs from you emotionally and physically.  Women often feel vulnerable, in pain, and unattractive during her period.  She needs you to support her through this.  Give her lots of love and understanding.

There are some things, though, best avoided.  One is asking ‘are you on’ or something even less sensitive.  Women often experience this as an accusation and become defensive.  It’s not hard to see why.  You are reducing their unique experiences in the moment to a ‘thing’ which is hardly respectful.  The second is avoiding humour as the only strategy to help you navigate her needs.  Humour is great from time to time, but if it’s your only strategy, you’ll be sending the message that what she is going through is not important to you.

I do understand this is a difficult topic for blokes to get to grips with.  But doing so will reap rewards in your relationship.  She will feel closer and more loved by you.  Do be sensitive to her needs for privacy and her own embarrassment talking about the subject.  This isn’t an easy conversation for both men and women, but if you love her, it’s a conversation worth engaging in.  Over time you will both become comfortable with it.

For me, the biggest benefit of blokes getting to grips with this is the help you can then extend to your daughters.  If you can engage with your partner, you will be more able to ‘be there’ for your daughter when the time comes.  Daughters need their fathers to be comfortable about menstruation, to normalise it for her, make her feel accepted, and to give her a good role model of how to manage this aspect of her life with other men.

 

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Dr Phil Tyson is a Men's Psychotherapist based in Manchester in the UK.  He offers:

• Group therapy weekends for men in London and Manchester
• Beginners meditation weekend retreats for men in London and Manchester
• Counselling for men in Manchester
• Psychotherapy for men in Manchester
• Cognitive behavioural therapy for men in Manchester
• Telephone and online counselling for men wherever you live
• Mediation for conflict resolution at work in London
• Mediation for conflict resolution at work in Manchester and the North West
• Supervision and consulative support for therapists in Manchester

Dr Tyson is also regularly quoted in the printed media and as a guest on local and national broadcast media.

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State Regulation of Therapist in the UK – What You Need to Know.

The UK Government is in the process of regulating the various professions involved in ‘psychological therapies’.  This post explains the current status quo in the industry, and highlights the debate about the way forward.  It is essential reading if you are considering choosing a therapist right now.

 

The Situation Now.

At the moment anybody can call themselves a ‘counsellor’ or ‘psychotherapist’ with little or even no formal training.  Many practitioners are under qualified to perform the work they claim to be able to do.  This extends right to the top of the industry.  I have met Harley Street ‘Psychotherapists’ with the face, but not the qualifications, to practice ethically.

Clearly this needs to change, and the Government is proposing a regimen of regulation to cover all ‘psychological therapists’ with the reassuring quality that the terms ‘counsellor’ and ‘psychotherapist’ will become protected terms at law, which will make it an offence for persons not suitably qualified to use the terms.

As a client you need to be aware that even if a therapist claims membership of a professional body, this does not confer any confidence in the person’s ability to practice.  The reason for this is that just about anybody can join most of the professional bodies, even without suitable qualification.  It does, however, give reassurance that a practitioner is bound to work within an ethical framework, and that there is a place to turn to with a complaint.  The problem is even if a complaint is upheld by a professional body, the practitioner is still free to practice within the law.

The main body’s representing ‘psychological therapies’ are the following.

The British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy.

The British Psychological Society.

The United Kingdom Council for Psychotherapy.

The British Association of Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapy.

Each of these organisations offers safeguards to the public by ‘accrediting’ therapists.  This is a procedure that sets standards for academic achievement and minimum levels of pre accreditation experience.  All require detailed submission of case studies by the applicant, and references taken up by bona fide professional supervisors with whom they have worked.

When choosing a therapist, I would strongly recommend choosing one who has been accredited by one of the bodies just mentioned.  Simply ‘being a member’ of such a body is not an endorsement by that body of competence to practice.

I am, however, an Accredited member of the British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy.  This means I have met their entire requirement to be ‘licensed’ as a bona fide therapist.  It also means there are ongoing enhanced checks on my fitness to practice, including regular ongoing professional development activity.  My fitness to practice is audited every year, and my accreditation is renewed annually as a result of this audit.

A therapist only needs to be accredited by one of the above bodies.  All of the above bodies offer lists of therapists who are accredited by them for public protection.  I, for example, can be found on the BACP website under Seeking a Therapist (simply enter my name).

 

What the Government Proposes.

The UK Government is proposing that many of the terms used by ‘psychological therapists’ be protected by law.  For example, ‘counsellor’, ‘psychotherapist’, ‘clinical psychologist’, etc.  This will protect the public by excluding therapists who are not accredited from using the terms.  Such persons may continue to work but would be forced to use non-therapeutic terms to describe their work, like ‘life coach’ or something similar.

Second, the Government proposes that all therapists be regulated by the Health Professions Council.  This would mean that all practitioners would no longer be accredited by a single professional body, but by the Government. 

In practice it is assumed that all bona fide accredited practitioners will automatically be transferred to the HPC Register, but from that time on, all future therapists would have to register with the HPC directly.  This would protect the public by ensuring uniform and consistent standards across the industry.  It would also give the public the opportunity to complain about a therapist, and if the therapist was shown to be behaving unethically, be struck off from the register if necessary.  Such persons would no longer be able to work as a legitimate ‘counsellor’ or ‘psychotherapist’, etc.

 

The Controversy.

Within the therapy community these proposals have caused no end of controversy.  For example the first phase of regulation has already taken place.  Psychologists are now regulated by the HPC.  For many psychologists, however, they do not work in clinical settings, such as educational psychologists or organisational psychologists.  For these practitioners the choice of the HPC as the regulator seemed bizarre.  Why should a ‘health’ regulator govern the activities of persons not involved in ‘health care’?

A similar debate has emerged within counselling and psychotherapy, which is due to be the next phase of regulation.  It is true that many counsellors and psychotherapists work with health related issues, such as anxiety and depression.  Many counsellors and psychotherapists, however, would deny they are fundamentally and principally engaged in ‘health care’, seeing their role as being much broader, to include career choice, well-being and personal growth.

A further obstacle has been the HPC insistence on differentiating between counsellors and psychotherapists.  In practice it is difficult to say what the difference is between the two activities.  Some schools of thought, such as psychodynamic therapies, make a lot of the difference between the two activities, while other approaches, such as the person-centred approach, see them as being essentially the same activity. 

The idea of the HPC is to make the restricted term ‘psychotherapist’ only available to more highly qualified practitioners who work with ‘patients’ with more serious ‘mental health’ issues.  This threatens to divide the profession and create hierarchies within the work place that simply don’t exist at the moment.

A further ‘threat’ perceived by the therapy community, is that HPC regulation will not be sensitive to the varieties of ways of working within the field, and effectively ‘kill off’ non mainstream or innovative approaches to therapy.  This, so it is argued, would restrict practice and choice for clients.

 

What I Think.

My view is that protection at law of restricted professional terms like ‘counsellor’ and ‘psychotherapist’ is a good thing.  Furthermore, regulation by the HPC will be a good thing for clarifying to the public who is fit to practice.  Both moves will serve to protect the public and drive forward standards of care. 

I do, however, believe that a distinction between ‘counsellors’ and ‘psychotherapists’ is irrational and flies in the face of current industry practices.  Such a move would simply confuse the public about any real differences between what the terms mean, and simply create a market where ‘psychotherapists’ charge more for essentially the same services offered by ‘counsellors’.  The result would be to irrationally make therapy more expensive for some clients, a move, I believe, that is not in the public interest.

 

Political Activism.

In response to some of these concerns, a grass roots political reaction to regulation has developed.  The ‘principled non compliance’ movement is not against high standards for practitioners, but is concerned about the way regulation is being imposed by the Government and the HPC.  For these practitioners they propose to refuse to comply with regulation and, in so doing, challenge the law itself.  For this reason you can expect to see therapy regulation move up the political agenda.  For example see this recent report on the BBC.

Unfortunately I also believe this will make many therapists look out of touch and unresponsive to very real client concerns.

 

Please feel free to add your comment below.  Whether you are a client or a therapist, I would be interested in your views.

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Dr Phil Tyson is a Men's Psychotherapist based in Manchester in the UK.  He offers:

• Group therapy weekends for men in London and Manchester
• Beginners meditation weekend retreats for men in London and Manchester
• Counselling for men in Manchester
• Psychotherapy for men in Manchester
• Cognitive behavioural therapy for men in Manchester
• Telephone and online counselling for men wherever you live
• Mediation for conflict resolution at work in London
• Mediation for conflict resolution at work in Manchester and the North West
• Supervision and consulative support for therapists in Manchester

Dr Tyson is also regularly quoted in the printed media and as a guest on local and national broadcast media.

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Is it OK to Fancy Other Women?

We all like a little bit of eye candy, but is it OK if you’re in a loving relationship to still fancy other women?

When reflecting on this remember that both Hollywood and the advertising industry spend millions of dollars on attractive men and women to entice us to buy their products.  They know that men (and women too) can’t resist looking at beautiful people.  The truth here is that it is simply not possible to stop noticing and fancying other people.  The problems start with the significance people attach to such casual glances.  Let me explain why.

I have worked with countless men who have been told by their girlfriends that they are ‘not allowed’ to fancy other women.  This is like asking a man to stop growing a beard because it irritates her skin ... it’s not going to happen.  The important point is the significance the woman attaches to the glance.  Some women are extremely insecure about their partners, and often for good reason.  If a girl’s family split as a child due to one parent’s infidelity, she has witnessed the pain of relationship and family breakdown at first hand, and often vows never to let that happen to her.  Alternatively, she may have been cheated on in the past, and is hyper sensitive to any flirtatious glance from her fella aimed at other women.

Of course we need to be sensitive to our partner’s feelings; after all you wouldn’t want to hurt her.  Neither should you feel that you are doing something despicable either.  Continually monitoring your reactions to other women lest you inadvertently slip is no way to conduct your life.  The best thing to do is pick a moment to quietly talk about your behaviour and its impact on her.  Make the point that a quick glance is normal and natural, and it would be wrong of her to expect you to suppress it all the time.  But above all, address her underlying insecurity about you and the relationship.  With trust and open communication, in time, you will become more accepting of each other.

Some men, however, have unrealistic expectations of themselves.  I’ve worked with a number of men, usually in their 30’s, who present with ‘relationship problems’.  When we explore the relationships they have had we discover a string of healthy loving relationships.  Each of which the man has terminated because ‘he still fancies other women’.

What is going on here is the man has formed a core belief in childhood that if he is with the right women, he will stop fancying other women.  Of course this is completely unrealistic.  He needs to change the core belief to something more realistic, like ‘I will continue to fancy other women, but this doesn’t pose a threat to my loving relationship because I will not act on it’.

At the other end of the spectrum are men with slightly obsessive natures.  These men tend to think things like ‘having a bad thought makes me a bad person’, or that ‘if I have a thought I’m likely to act on it’.  For these men, fancying other women is a source of great threat.  Because their thinking is characterised by what therapists call ‘thought-action fusion’, they think ‘I fancy this women, therefore I want to have sex with her, and if I don’t control my thoughts, I will be helpless to stop it from happening’.

This is a more serious problem in that the underlying obsessive assumptions about thought and its relationship to behaviour need talking through in general.  These men don’t usually only get upset by thoughts of fancying other women, but is part of a pattern of getting caught up in a whole range of ‘distressing’ thoughts.

Men, of course, don’t just notice attractive women, but notice attractive men too.  For these men, for similar reasons to thought-action fusion described above, they become obsessed with the idea that they might be gay.  Let me reassure these man, being able to spot an attractive man does not make you gay, anymore than spotting a good looking dog makes you into bestiality.  Our brains seek out symmetrical healthy looking features in both men and women.  The more ‘attractive’ a man or women is, the more likely we are to be positively disposed to them, and think positive things about them.  This should not be confused with being gay.  If you know this but are still concerned, you might need to talk your obsessive thoughts through with a therapist to give you peace of mind.

Finally, just because it’s normal and natural for the eye to notice attractive women, this doesn’t give you carte blanche to do as you see fit.  Ogling other women is both intimidating to the woman, and potentially upsetting to your partner.  You still need to be sensitive to other people’s feelings, take responsibility for your behaviour, and act in a socially responsible manner.  If you can’t restrain yourself, you are well on the way to becoming a ‘dirty old man’, and you wouldn’t want anybody to think that of you either!

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Dr Phil Tyson is a Men's Psychotherapist based in Manchester in the UK.  He offers:

• Group therapy weekends for men in London and Manchester
• Beginners meditation weekend retreats for men in London and Manchester
• Counselling for men in Manchester
• Psychotherapy for men in Manchester
• Cognitive behavioural therapy for men in Manchester
• Telephone and online counselling for men wherever you live
• Mediation for conflict resolution at work in London
• Mediation for conflict resolution at work in Manchester and the North West
• Supervision and consulative support for therapists in Manchester

Dr Tyson is also regularly quoted in the printed media and as a guest on local and national broadcast media.

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Wear Red Pants For Success at Interview!

Many years ago I watched a TV documentary about how a legal team in the USA defended a man accused of murder.  As part of his preparations a witness coach was employed to give advice about presenting himself in court.  To my surprise, she advocated wearing red underwear to embolden him, and give him confidence.

Not long after this, my brother asked me for advice about interview technique.  His career had gone down a cul-de-sac for several years, and he had developed a demoralising string of rejections at job interview.  I thought I would suggest the red underwear.  To both our surprise, at his next interview, he got the job!

Ever since then I have always advocated wearing red underwear for men attending interviews, and the feedback has always been encouraging.  One person said he felt more confident, and he felt that whatever question he was asked, he knew he was wearing red underwear, which put a smile on his face and, presumably, gave him the edge in his answers.

Recently a mate has been applying for new jobs.  He had been successful at getting to interview, but was unable the clinch the deal.  I had suggested the red underwear technique, but he was sceptical, and didn’t bother.  Knowing that he had another interview today, when we met for lunch on Saturday, I took him to a department store and made him buy the most vibrant energetic red pants we could find.  Still sceptical, he did seem pleased with his Calvin’s, and I thought nothing more of it.

Since adopting this technique many years ago, research has began to catch up with the intuitive advice given by the witness coach I had watched on TV.  For example, recent research on teams in the English football league found that teams that have red in their kit tend to score more goals, and win more games, than teams that don’t have red in their kit.

Why does wearing red make a difference to men?  I think there is an evolutionary explanation to this.  Red is both the colour of blood, and therefore of danger, and also the colour, in many primates at least, of sexual arousal (the female genitals of many primate species turn red when in season ... a reason why spanking a women may also turn some men on ... but that’s an aside).

Wearing red, I therefore believe, serves to activate the arousal of both aggression and sexual potency in men.  With these two systems on your side, you become unstoppable at interview!  Don’t overdo it though.  Wearing red on your visible clothing could be seen as intimidating for the same reasons i.e. indicating aggression and/or flirtation.

I suspect wearing red might also help ‘on the pull’.  Wearing a flash of red somewhere on your clothing or underwear, might be just enough to give you the advantage over the other men in the bar or club.  There is a study in there somewhere, and I’d love to see the results.

As for my mate, he said he wasn’t sure if he consciously thought about the red Calvin’s during the interview, but he did feel extremely confident.  I’m pleased to say he also got the job!

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Dr Phil Tyson is a Men's Psychotherapist based in Manchester in the UK.  He offers:

• Group therapy weekends for men in London and Manchester
• Beginners meditation weekend retreats for men in London and Manchester
• Counselling for men in Manchester
• Psychotherapy for men in Manchester
• Cognitive behavioural therapy for men in Manchester
• Telephone and online counselling for men wherever you live
• Mediation for conflict resolution at work in London
• Mediation for conflict resolution at work in Manchester and the North West
• Supervision and consulative support for therapists in Manchester

Dr Tyson is also regularly quoted in the printed media and as a guest on local and national broadcast media.

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