Changing our behaviour is difficult. If it were simply a matter of deciding to change, and following through on that change, there would be no need for psychotherapists.
When working with clients I am often struck that they have an unrealistic expectation of how change comes about in therapy or in life. For some clients, they expect a linear relationship between number of sessions and incremental improvements in problem behaviour. For other clients, they expect that insight in therapy is a necessary and sufficient condition for the change in behaviour they seek. Both are unrealistic.
In reality, change is hard won.
There is a subtle interplay between insight in therapy and making
different choices in life. Both are necessary. Change is often slow, and comes about in
apparent leaps forward, followed by apparent slips back. The steps forward are experienced as
triumphs, and the slips back are experienced as disasters.
In reality steps forward and back are progress. My role as a therapist is to help the client
find the learning in both.
The process of change has been wonderfully captured in a short poem by Portia
Nelson. I often offer this poem to
clients to help them reflect on their “successes” and their “failures”. I offer it to you so you may do the same.
Autobiography In Five Short Chapters
by Portia Nelson
I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.
II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V
I walk down another street.
Dr Phil Tyson is a Men's Psychotherapist based in Manchester in the UK. He offers:
- Group therapy weekends for men in London and Manchester
- Beginners meditation weekend retreats for men in London and Manchester
- Counselling for men in Manchester
- Psychotherapy for men in Manchester
- Cognitive behavioural therapy for men in Manchester
- Telephone and online counselling for men wherever you live
- Mediation for conflict resolution at work in London
- Mediation for conflict resolution at work in Manchester and the North West
- Supervision and consulative support for therapists in Manchester
